31 December 2007
The 35-year-old Berkeley caterer said he has saved every piece of trash he has generated during the past year to see how much garbage one person creates. In his case, it was about 96 cubic feet.
i am definitely PMSing. jeebus help me.
30 December 2007
I looked up the real von Trapp family. Did you know...
- In 1957, the Trapp Family Singers disbanded and went their separate ways. Maria and three of her children became missionaries in the South Pacific. Maria later moved back to Vermont and managed the Trapp Family Lodge until her death in 1987, at the age of 82. Maria von Trapp, her husband Georg, and Hedwig von Trapp (1917–1972), the fifth child of Georg and Agathe von Trapp, are interred in the family cemetery at the Lodge. The Lodge is now managed by Georg and Maria's son Johannes. It remains one of Vermont's most popular tourist destinations and also serves as one of the main concert sites for the Vermont Mozart Festival. (Wikipedia)
- that Captain von Trapp's grandson Sam (son of Johannes) is currently living in Chile working as a ski instructor? He is very handsome and he hates to be asked about the movie because he considers that it is way too different from the real story. He says it's outrageous to see his granfather as the mean one and his grandmother as the goody considering it was exactly the oppossite in his eyes. (http://www.geocities.com/vlsmarble/rtrivia.html)
- The von Trapp's only made $8,000 from the Sound of Music, but they did get more popular as a result. (http://www.geocities.com/vlsmarble/rtrivia.html)
read more digg story
28 December 2007
it is friday morning. i'm a little hung over, a lot tired, and swamped at work.
i just realized that i'm headed to costa rica in under a week. thankfully i checked my flight date today, or else i would have missed the flight. i'm leaving next friday. i thought i was leaving next saturday.
i do not have all the gear i need for costa rica. where exactly does one go to buy surfing equipment in the middle of winter in nyc?
my passport has expired. i have sent it off to philadelphia where it is in the hands of a passport renewal expediter. pray for a miracle.
my laundry hasn't been done in over three weeks. i wear my gym socks for at least two workouts now before throwing them in the hamper.
i am broke. i have no idea how that happened. a trigger happy holiday season? damn you, holiday sale emails and flyers. i was unable to withstand your garish lures.
what was i saying now? right. here's to kicking off a new year.
27 December 2007
Julia Boorstin and Couper Samuelson
By JAMIE DIAMONDPublished:
December 23, 2007
It is a truth not universally acknowledged that a single man who meets his wife-to-be at the Sundance Film Festival is likely to make his proposal of marriage a cinematic one.
26 December 2007
24 December 2007
21 December 2007
[A FedEx truck driver was accosted] while he was stopped at a traffic light at 47th St. and 11th Ave., two men approached the truck, pulled guns on the driver and forced him out of the truck.
The truck was eventually located by police around 5:30 a.m. in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. Police didn't believe any of the contents inside was missing.
it doesn't hurt that the hair and 'stache are wicked cool.
it's only the two of them, but they manage to bring out an amazing range and depth of sound.
Perlman & Zukerman - Handel - Halvorsen: Passacaglia
Itzhak Perlman and Pinchas Zukerman in their youth, playing Handel's Passacaglia, arranged for violin and viola by Halvorsen. Video directed by Christopher Nuphen.
19 December 2007
instead of reading my blog, she now just wants me to send her pictures of things i've been up to. my mother is a very demanding consumer of my content.
18 December 2007
Remember the Stanford Prison Experiment done in the early 1970s?
Phil Zimbardo: "I ended the study prematurely for two reasons. First, we had learned through videotapes that the guards were escalating their abuse of prisoners in the middle of the night when they thought no researchers were watching and the experiment was "off." Their boredom had driven them to ever more pornographic and degrading abuse of the prisoners."
Not much has changed in 2007.
A Houston, Texas woman says she was gang-raped by Halliburton/KBR coworkers in Baghdad, and the company and the U.S. government are covering up the incident.
Jamie Leigh Jones, now 22, says that after she was raped by multiple men at a KBR camp in the Green Zone, the company put her under guard in a shipping container with a bed and warned her that if she left Iraq for medical treatment, she'd be out of a job.
In a lawsuit filed in federal court against Halliburton and its then-subsidiary KBR, Jones says she was held in the shipping container for at least 24 hours without food or water by KBR, which posted armed security guards outside her door, who would not let her leave.
Legal experts say Jones' alleged assailants will likely never face a judge and jury, due to an enormous loophole that has effectively left contractors in Iraq beyond the reach of United States law.
10 December 2007
Hi there. 25 here, guest-blogging for the day. Gotta pay the bills somehow, I guess.
Anyways, All Carbon asked me to report on the Yo La Tengo Hanukkah we went to on Saturday night. For those of you who have better things to do than obsess over critically acclaimed, moderately commercially successful indie rock bands (are there any other kind?), here's a brief history. Over the past 20 years, YLT (much like Sonic Youth) have aged gracefully into the elder statesmen of noise/art rock by continuing to release superb records and touring their a**es off.
After taking a year off, YLT has returned to their tradition of playing a series of charity shows on each of the 8 nights of Hanukkah-- all the shows take place at teeny-tiny Maxwell's in Hoboken, the band's hometown. Each night has a different special opener (typically a older band who doesn’t play live very often), a guest comedian and at least one unannounced special guest. And per tradition, every show ends with an encore set of cover tunes written by Jewish musicians.
Dew Claw (led by ex Hypnolovewheel guitarist Stephen Hunking) opened the show and also joined YLT during their set. I was relatively unimpressed-- as was our friend KatieG, who in a moment of auditory confusion conceded that she would have been much more excited to see Steven Hawking fronting a psychedelic indie-pop band.
Next up were a pair of comediennes, Sarah Vowell and Amy Poehler. Vowell (of NPR and "The Incredibles" fame) read a short piece that recounted the true story of a disheartened mapmaker on the Oregon Trail. Pretty funny in that NPR sort of way-- meaning of course that you laugh at all the jokes out of fear that the people around you will think you don't get them. Luckily, I had a head start as I had heard Vowell read the same story a year earlier at a different charity show.
Poehler (from SNL, Upright Citizen's Brigade et al) was great, doing a brief and largely-improvised piece on Kabbalah-- the whole time in "disguise" as Ira's (guitarist for YLT) aunt. On a side note, we also saw Poehler's husband Will Arnett (G.O.B. on Arrested Development) milling about in the crowd.
YLT was next, ripping through a 1.5 hour set that included songs from their entire repertoire, including their very first single from 1985. The show could have ended there, and everyone would have left happy-- but for the second night in a row, the band had a very special surprise in store.
Joining YLT for their encore was none other than Alex Chilton-- leader of the fabled early 70s band Big Star. Chilton and Big Star are often seen as the missing link between 1960s guitar pop and the new wave/college radio scene that developed in the early/mid 1980s. I don’t want to be hyperbolic (who am I kidding-- yes I do), but without them there would be no R.E.M., no alternative rock as we knew it in the 1990s. And given Chilton's reclusive tendencies, seeing him play live is the musical equivalent of J.D. Salinger doing a reading at your local Barnes and Noble.
Alex Chilton fronting Yo La Tengo playing the Velvet Underground's "Femme Fatale" followed by a Carol King tune-- it was like watching the evolutionary chart of indie rock implode in front of us. Watching them interact was nothing short of adorable-- there was obviously a mutual admiration and sense of deference on both sides. At least twice Alex asked "Is it OK if I count this one off?-- as if Ira would say no.
It was the perfect Hanukkah gift (sorry, dreidel-- maybe next year).
Note: Most pictures and youtube are from the Dec 7 show the night before.
Prosecution witness Andrew Bellwood had testified that Pickton told him how he strangled his alleged victims and fed their remains to his pigs.
04 December 2007
* The following Terms and Conditions apply. Promotions will affect changes in title and increased internal politics and backbiting. Expect no additional responsibilities, no change in job description, and no increase in compensation.
28 November 2007
Great Whale Trail naming competition
One guess to which name I voted for (me and everyone else).
26 November 2007
The group's chairman, George Shea, said competitive eaters are athletes who train for their sport, working to improve jaw strength and increasing their stomach capacity.
Dr. Lee Kaplan, director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Weight Center in Boston, said concerns over the link between the contests and obesity aren't well founded.
Brian Wansink, a food science and psychology professor at Cornell University, compared competitive eaters to other extreme athletes.
"It's the same sort of person who, let's say, would train really hard and compete really hard in a marathon," said Wansink, author of "Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think."
"It has the same level of competitiveness and compulsiveness," he said. "One we label crazy and one we label as noble, but in reality it's the same sort of process that drives both these people."
"Seeing these guys go at a 20 pound turkey is like poetry," he said. "It's like a dance."
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a str*pper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his a** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
24 November 2007
Oh wait, is that a Cynthia Steffe on sale? Gotta go...
"People on both sides of the fence can agree on one thing, and that's that the holiday's gotten out of control," he said.
"We've been convinced that the way to show your love for someone is by what you buy them, by what the price tag is, by what is represented on the receipt. And that's the wrong message to send out," he added.
A review of "What Would Jesus Buy?" in "Christianity Today" questioned whether Talen's act, poking fun at both religion and consumerism, went too far.
"Yes, it's condescending. Yes, it cheapens Christianity," the magazine said, before concluding: "But the whole argument of the film is that our commodity culture has already cheapened Christianity."
Buy Nothing Day was conceived by artist Ted Dave of Vancouver, British Columbia, in 1992, and since then has been championed by Adbusters magazine, said Adbusters campaign manager Paul Cooper.
22 November 2007
HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
For more on the turkey, go here.
I'm a little rusty, having not written in some time, so I'll keep this short.
THINGS I DID TODAY
18 November 2007
Pilates at 6:30am. Client meeting the first half of the day. Conference calls the second half of the day. Urgent issues the third half of the day. Off to New Haven.
If you wondered, no, I don't suffer from some bizarre New Haven fetish that compels me to drive there on my free Friday nights. Saturday was the Yale v Harvard game, and from what I understand from A, both schools were having an undefeated season so far.
(As of this telling, Harvard is having an undefeated season so far.)
A had already left for New Haven hours before, and I was to meet him there where he was having dinner with a bunch of fellow Yalies.
(Don't ask me to explain. I went to a small liberal arts school that had 2,100 students total. As in that's the number of students for the ENTIRE school. We didn't have greeks, football, and we barely had sports teams.)
Dinner was a rowdy affair at Morey's where we drank beer and other alcohol from ginormo trophy cups. The game and tailgate party the following day was something I've never experienced before.
09 November 2007
05 November 2007
I've been...busy. With what, I honestly couldn't tell you, but it feels like this year has just flown by without much to show for it. But here I am. Back.
So there. No more bitchin about how you never hear from me, 'cause I'm here to catch you up on what I've been up to. So, check back and comment regularly.
I want to hear from you, and I haven't forgotten you. I'm not that easy to get rid of... :-)
04 November 2007
Titled Tom Otterness: The Public Unconsciousness, The Large Immigrant Family was the center of the show and features a 10' high, 10' long, 9' wide bronze of a mother and father gazing at their child who in turn is looking out at the world.
My personal favorite was Large Consumer, 2007 which is a giant bronze of a overweight slovenly man sitting on a bag of money with his mouth wide open. A ramp leads to his mouth and he appears to be gobbling up truckloads of oil and other products, individual workers that push goods up the ramp (that I assume is an allegory for cheap labor), logs, an oil barrel, a pack of cigarettes, a diamond ring and oversized dead fish. Meanwhile, the consumer's enlarged stomach looks painfully distended.
A and I looking at some of Otterness' other greater than life bronzes:
As I am fascinated with all things ginormous or miniature, it would only make sense that I like Otterness' work. I first became interested in Otterness when I came across his exhibit Life Underground at the 14th Street A,C,E subway station.
At first, I thought they were his form of subversive social commentary only to later find out that the curious, sometimes oversized bronze statues scattered throughout the station appearing to be asleep at their posts or hard at work were part of the MTA's public arts program called Arts for Transit. I like Otterness' commentary, but I'll be the first to admit I was disappointed to find that it was sponsored by the Man. :-)
02 November 2007
A commercial pilot and his first officer fell asleep while approaching Denver International Airport in an A319 Airbus jet, going twice the speed as allowed, according to a federal safety Web site.
In the report filed by the pilot, who was not identified, he said he was flying a red-eye, overnight flight from Denver to Baltimore, and after he landed at Baltimore, he sat on the ground for one hour before he flew back to Denver.
"No rest. Just straight seven hours and 55 minute-flight to Baltimore and back. On this particular day in March 2004, after two previous red-eyes, this being the third red-eye in a row, the last 45 minutes of the flight, I fell asleep and so did the first officer," the pilot wrote.
"Missed all the calls from Air Traffic Control to meet crossing restrictions (where pilots have to be at a certain altitude at a certain location) at the DANDD intersection (the intersection in the sky) in the southeast corridor to Denver. The crossing restriction to be at DANDD was to be at flight level 19,000 and 250 knots. Instead we crossed DANDD at 35,000 feet at Mach .82 (approximately 590 mph)," the pilot continued.
That means that the aircraft was speeding into DIA's crowded airspace with no one awake at the wheel.
"I woke up, why I don't know, and heard frantic calls from Air Traffic Control approximately 5 nautical miles inside DANDD (about 5 miles past DANND)," the pilot said.
"I answered Air Traffic Control and abided by all instructions to get down. Woke first officer up, started down to flight level 22,000 feet as instructed ... Landed in Denver with no further incidents," the pilot wrote.
31 October 2007
See: here's a dog dressed up as a slutty ghost. Kinky.
25 October 2007
A conflict rut
How to recognize it: You argue about the same things all the time and find yourself avoiding entire subjects because they trigger fights.
How to bust out of it: Take a vacation from the conflict at hand. "Tell your partner that the way you fight isn't working and you both need to take time off from talking about the issue," says psychologist Howard Markman. Put it aside for a few days and force yourselves as a couple to do things that you both love. (It's hard, but try.)
Meanwhile, think about what's really bothering you: If you fight about chores or tardiness, consider whether a desire for respect or control is at the crux of it.
After the break, set a time to talk about the issue, but don't try to resolve it. Take turns talking and listening to each other's points of view to understand what's at the root of the problem for each of you. "About 70 percent of small conflicts -- about money, household tasks, in-laws -- don't need to be resolved," says Markman. "Both people just want to be heard, and they need to stop fighting destructively for that to happen."Real Simple: How to disagree agreeably
A romantic rut
How to recognize it: Date night? What's that? That thing you replaced with "Your turn to bathe the kids" night or "I'm working late again" night.
How to bust out of it: You know how to schedule, so don't forget to make an appointment with your partner. Pick nights or weekends you both agree on, and take turns planning outings.
Simply tell the other person what clothes to have ready. (And have fun with it. Going skiing? Have him throw in his swimsuit and goggles to keep him on his toes.)
It doesn't have to be a grand plan: Start a book club -- with just the two of you as members. Or have a romantic candlelit dinner with pizza, beer, and ice cream instead of fancy food.
What shouldn't you do? Hound him about how unromantic he is. It will probably backfire. If you're feeling underromanced, set an example by doing the things for him that you wish he would do for you, like buying him flowers, advises psychologist Steve Brody: "If you wish he would kiss you passionately when he walks in the door, go up and plant one on him -- he'll respond!" Real Simple: How to make yourself unforgettable
The can't-close-the-deal rut
You're ready to take your relationship to the next level -- to move in together, get married, or have a baby -- but your partner won't make that commitment. You love each other, but should you just end it? Psychologist Howard Markman, who runs relationship workshops (www.loveyourrelationship.com), offers four steps to help you decide.
1. Ask yourself if your relationship is healthy. Do you handle conflict well? Do you have fun together? Is your relationship sensually or sexually satisfying? Are you both faithful and dedicated to it? "If all those components are in place, you're ready to move forward," Markman says. If not, try counseling or a relationship class.
2. Make your views clear. If your partnership checks out OK, talk about what you'd like to see happen next. Then ask your partner to do the same. Hear each other out, then try to talk through any underlying issues. For instance, maybe he's not ready to have a baby because he wants to gain more financial stability first.
3. If you don't reach a resolution in step 2, agree to disagree. But make a plan to revisit the conversation at a later date. The person who is holding the relationship back might end up with more power, which can be a destabilizing force, Markman says. That's why it's best to try to talk through what the underlying issues are in step 2.
4. Decide when time is up. If your relationship is healthy, it's fair to give it another three to six months. At that point, express again how you're feeling and what you want.
The relationship could automatically move forward (break open the Champagne!); you might develop a plan of action for how to take the next step (which at least calls for a toast); or one person may make it clear that his feet are firmly planted (cork it). In that case, only you can decide whether it's best to stick with the person or part ways.
If you do the latter, says Markman, "end it as cleanly, openly, and honestly as you can and move forward with your life."
21 October 2007
(Thanks to CB for the find.)
12 October 2007
I feel for him, but only a little. It doesn't make me think he's less of a douchebag.
A note from "THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD". Stalin. Hitler. Bin Laden. John Fitzgerald Page. Somehow, I am ranked at #1. My crime - murder? treason? pedophilia? rape? No, worse. A woman winked at me on the internet. I sent her an introdutory email. She tried to rescind her initial wink by saying we weren't a "personality" match . She ascertained that from my first email without ever speaking to me. Here is my crime. Instead of just letting her float away, I let her know that I feel that if you approach me, you should meet my standards and listed facts about myself.
She took this personal email, sent to her only, and sent it out to everyone in America. In turn, every blog in America has villified me. I am being threatened with bodily harm, told to kill and neuter myself, that I am a douchebag, etc. My phone rings and email hums day and night, even the New York Times has called (Is this really an noteworthy news story)?. People feel it is okay to post my phone number, address and personal email in attack blogs.
Let me ask you this? Which friend would you rather have - a straight shooter who doesn't waste your time, or someone who can take any PRIVATE email, phone call or letter and put it out there to the world if you cross them? Anyone of you could be in my shoes overnight. Do you feel you have any expectation of privacy when you talk on the phone, send someone an email or a letter? I do. I did not threaten her in any way.
Let me give you a tip about internet dating. Men lie about their height. Women lie about their weight. If a person has nothing but pictures of their head, they are not height/weight proportional. It is a cold reality. I have standards, as we all do. Typically, you approach people above your standards. I am looking for someone who is educated and who takes care of themselves. That is all.
All of the facts on this website are true. I am not Alexsey Vayner, there are no videos on here of me hitting tennis balls at 200 mph! Just because you can't find it, haven't heard about it, can't see it or don't know about it doesn't mean it did not happen. This is a website for my SIDE career, acting/modeling. I know I am not Brad Pitt. But Mr. Whipple gets work too! All types are needed, and I am struggling like any other person in this business. I like to be on the movie set, meeting the stars, learning how movies are made, and especially eating all the craft service! In my real career, all I need is a resume and a degree. In this world, you are a piece of meat. Current pictures of body and face are needed (I have done casting). They need to know what you have done in the past. This website allows me to showcase all of my work in one place and is used to get jobs in this field.
I graduated from Penn. I took my name out of the database to avoid donation solicitations. It is the oldest UNIVERSITY, not college in the country. I am not gay, although I do try to dress nicely. This is, unfortunately, my real hair. My statistics are just that - facts about me. If I said I drove a Pinto, went to community college and worked as a bag boy, would everone be so upset? I am not jealous of others. All of my friends have something better than I do, they are smarter, more educated, more cultured, etc. I try to take the best of others and learn from people that are doing better than I am.
I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. I have no emotional I.Q. I am not much of a decorater. I am an orphan. I went to a mediocre public high school in Ohio. I weighed 140 lbs. in high school. I come from a loving family - my dad (who died when I was 10) did 3 tours of 'Nam, received 2 Purple Hearts and a Silver Star during 19 years in the Army. My mom (she just died 2 years ago) worked the same job for 30 years. I have no siblings or grandparents and have been on my own since 17. I have no one to fall back on, so I have to be aggressive and go for my deams - I can't rely on anyone else. We all have that instintual survival mechanism. I can't love anyone else if I don't love myself first.
I understand the pyschology is to be angry at me. But when you think about it, do you want every single PRIVATE thing you write or say to be put out to the universe? That would be a scary, P.C. world. Pyschology is something I really don't understand. A girl I am interested in will approach me on a dating site, and we will have a pleasant exchange. A girl who I am not interested in will approach, then when she doesn't hear back from me, will delete me in a day or so. Why? To make herself feel better. I apologize for not having the emotional intelligence to understand this.
Every single piece of my life has been put up for scrutiny. I only ask this - do you feel the punishment is worth the crime? An overnight internet pariah for sending a girl a personal email? Everything I have ever worked for in my life has been sullied in one day, by one person. Before you cast the next stone - would you like your life ruined over anything you have ever said or written? My reputation is all I have. It has been severly damaged and can never be repaired. I cannot fight an overwhelming army of bloggers. My future grandkids wil be able to read about this on the internet 50 years from now. This is the time when my true friends will step forward.
Inside, I am a good person. I am generous with my friends. I am friendly, outgoing and funny. I take people on face value. I can be abrasive and obnoxious at times - I admit that. Animals and children love me (maybe because I don't have any). I am constantly using my connections to help others. I don't smoke or do drugs. I basically leave people be, as I do not believe life is a zero sum game.
The public hanging of me is making many of you happy. The catch-22 for you is that no publicity is bad publicity. I am getting offers for things - movies, books, TV shows. I have turned down every request. This is not a joke. Don't let this happen to you. Anything you ever write or say can be used against you and can turn your life from normal into a living hell. I think all of this venom should be saved for terrrorist, rapists, murderers etc. All I ask is that you put my "crime" in proper perspective. I sent a not very nice private email to someone. That is all.
I was educated at the University of Pennsylvania, an Ivy League institution founded in 1740 by Benjamin Franklin - the oldest university in the nation. I was social chairman of my fraternity, published the humor magazine and took classes at the Wharton School of Business (perennially ranked #1 in the world).
I have worked & consulted for several Fortune 500 companies, including Time Warner, USA Today, GTE, Sprint, Pitney Bowes & Limited Brands. I have saved 2 of these companies almost $1 million dollars combined. I was the financial analyst during the $680 million dollar initial public offering of Intimate Brands (includes Victoria's Secret and Bath & Body Works) and also created a $22 million budget from scratch for them.
I am an avid traveler and have been to St. Thomas & St. John, Aruba and Zurich. I have lived in / visited almost every major city in the United States, having seen 38 of the 50 states.
I am well connected, having lunched with the U.S. Secretary of Defense & the U.S. Ambassador to South Africa during the time I spent in Washington, D.C.
I have been in the "fame game" for years, meeting celebrities like Luke Perry, Cynthia Nixon, Dave Matthews, Jeff Foxworthy, Joe Montana, Toby Keith & LeAnn Rimes to name a few.
I have appeared in 13 major motion pictures and counting...
08 October 2007
[Pamela] Anderson has had two high-profile marriages – to ex-husbands Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, who famously fought at this year's MTV Video Music Awards. [Rick] Salomon, 38, is divorced from actress Shannen Doherty.
And they do have at least one scandalous tie – both have appeared in sex tapes: Salomon with Paris Hilton, and Anderson with Lee.
This year's planned Ig Nobel program included a two-minute speech by keynote speaker Doug Zongker consisting only of the word "chicken," and a mini-opera entitled "Chicken versus Egg," performed by professional mother-daughter opera singers Gail Kilkelly and Maggie McNeil.
Most winners are more than happy to accept their awards from real Nobel laureates at the typically rowdy ceremony, including seven of the 10 winners this year. But there are still a few sticks-in-the-mud, magazine editor Marc Abrahams said.
The U.S. Air Force won the Ig Nobel Peace Prize this year for its proposal to develop a "gay bomb" -- a chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers want to make love with each other, not war with the enemy.
Abrahams talked to a number of retired and active Air Force personnel to try and get someone to accept the prize in person on behalf of the military. None would.
04 October 2007
having never been to a live taping of a fake news broadcast, i didn't realize how:
- small all the furniture on the set looks
- what a normal guy john stewart is the camera's on, when he oozes charm and charisma
- john stewart's not as short as i expected b/c i've always heard people comment on how short he is so i expected someone 3 feet tall
- that rob riggle is better looking in real life
- john oliver is adorably tiny
the show only had to redo one scene, the one for dark liquid. and, if you listen very carefully, you might be able to pick out the laughs of b and me in the studio audience.
27 September 2007
Mark Gilbert's column in Bloomberg made me chuckle a bit:
Chuck Norris's Tears Might Solve Credit Crunch: Mark Gilbert
By Mark Gilbert
Sept. 27 (Bloomberg) -- A famous series of jokes uses the actor Chuck Norris, martial artist and star of ``Walker, Texas Ranger,'' as a paragon of masculinity and omnipotence. ``Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people,'' goes one. ``Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris,'' goes another.
Similar thinking can be applied to the current state of financial markets. Here, then, is the world of money recast in Chuck Norris terms.
Chuck Norris doesn't target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks it until it begs for mercy.
The Chuck Norris dollar buys 3 Canadian dollars, and trades at parity with the euro.
Chuck Norris doesn't supply collateral, only collateral damage.
The tears of Chuck Norris would supply enough liquidity to solve the credit crisis. Too bad he never cries.
When the yield on a Chuck Norris bond goes up, the price also rises.
Chuck Norris trades on fear and greed simultaneously.
Alan Greenspan calls Chuck Norris ``The Maestro.''
Chuck Norris has already banked his dividend payment from Northern Rock Plc.
Chuck Norris funds at Libor flat.
Chuck Norris Asset Management made 50 percent on its subprime mortgage-backed bond fund last month.
Chuck Norris doesn't borrow at the Fed's discount window. Chuck Norris LENDS at the Fed's discount window.
Chuck Norris's curves never invert.
Net income at Goldman Sachs Group Inc. rose 79 percent in the third quarter; profit at Chuck Norris Securities Inc. climbed 80 percent.
There is no market regulator. Just a list of securities Chuck Norris allows to be traded.
Chuck's iPhone never needs recharging.
Chuck Norris doesn't buy gold to hedge against inflation. Gold buys Chuck Norris to hedge against inflation.
Chuck Norris charges the Bank of England a penalty rate for borrowing. And guarantees its deposits.
Chuck Norris is the pilot Ben Bernanke calls when he wants to shower the economy with dollar bills. Sometimes, Chuck refuses to fly.
Chuck Norris gets ALL of his funding from the asset-backed commercial paper market.
Chuck Norris doesn't mark-to-market. The market marks to Chuck Norris.
When the U.S. economy sneezes, the world catches a cold. When Chuck Norris sneezes, the U.S. economy catches pneumonia.
When Chuck Norris makes you a price, it isn't an offer; it's an obligation to buy.
Chuck Norris isn't a market maker; he IS the market.
Chuck Norris can still get a 125 percent mortgage on a $2 million condo without providing proof of earnings.
Chuck Norris subprime collateralized debt obligations still trade at 100 percent of face value.
Chuck completed Halo 3 on his Microsoft Corp. Xbox 360 on the day before the computer game went on sale.
Chuck Norris has a trade surplus with China.
To contact the writer of this column: Mark Gilbert in London at firstname.lastname@example.org
Last Updated: September 26, 2007 19:35 EDT
12 September 2007
Alex, a parrot...has died after 30 years of helping researchers better understand the avian brain.
Alex's advanced language and recognition skills revolutionized the understanding of the avian brain... [T]he parrot learned enough English to identify 50 objects, seven colors and five shapes. He could count up to six, including zero, was able to express desires, including his frustration with the repetitive research.
He also occasionally instructed two other parrots at the lab to "talk better" if they mumbled, though it wasn't clear whether he was simply mimicking researchers.
Alex...was demonstrating the ability to take distinct sounds from words he knew and combine them to form new words... Just last month, he pronounced the word "seven" for the first time.
The last time Pepperberg saw Alex was Thursday, she said. They went through their back-and-forth goodnight routine...and...she told him it was time to go in the cage.
She recalls the bird said: "You be good. I love you." She responded, "I love you, too." The bird said, "You'll be in tomorrow," and she responded, "Yes, I'll be in tomorrow."
30 August 2007
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Fred," Martha says aloud.
"What?" says Fred, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Fred.
"That way about time," says Martha.
"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Fred," she says.
"Thank you," says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
29 August 2007
27 August 2007
From the Miss Teen USA competition:
Near the end of the competition, one of the judges asked Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina, what she thought of a recent poll that showed one fifth of Americans can’t locate the United States on a world map. Upton’s answer, a spew of half-English gibberish, is a must-see case study in stupidity, confusion, and panic. (And yet Upton finished the event as the third runner-up.)
24 August 2007
Glen Pine, the lead vocalist in this song, has an amazingly sexy voice. His cover of Sam Cooke's Cupid is effing amazing. The guy on the keyboard is Vic Ruggiero, one just an all-around brilliant wordsmith and musician.
If you've never seen these guys live, they put on such a good live show (for those of you that missed the booze cruise last weekend): http://www.fabchannel.com/user/allcarbon/playlist
Or, just check out this random slideshow homage to the Slackers I found on YouTube:
23 August 2007
Plenty of singles don’t mind having another yogi propose dinner. Elana Wertkin, 31 of Park Slope, Brooklyn, went a few dates with a cute guy she met in a neighborhood class.
“We walked out at the same time and he said ‘Let’s go for a smoothie,’ ” said Ms. Wertkin, a documentary film producer.
But her interest in him was soon cut short. On their third date, he confessed that part of the reason he loved yoga class was watching women lie on their backs, legs spread.
13 August 2007
August 12, 2007
One survey, recently reported by the federal government, concluded that men had a median of seven female sex partners. Women had a median of four male sex partners. Another study, by British researchers, stated that men had 12.7 heterosexual partners in their lifetimes and women had 6.5.
But there is just one problem, mathematicians say. It is logically impossible for heterosexual men to have more partners on average than heterosexual women. Those survey results cannot be correct.
“Some might be imaginary,” Dr. Graham said. “Maybe two are in the man’s mind and one really exists.”
so yesterday, i was in line at the security thingy at the airport and the woman at the xray machine kinda looked funny for a minute and she looked at me, and i looked, and i had all my stuff... so she looked at the woman behind me and i watched, b/c she looked so weirded out. so she called a man over and she goes - she put her cat in the xray machine and the woman with the cat (in a very thick southern accent) goes, oh my gawd, was i not supposed to do that??? and i looked, and sure enough, there was a kitty that just went through the xray machine. the man was like, well, ma'am, it's an xray machine...
10 August 2007
26 July 2007
A Sherborn teen was charged yesterday with having sex with sheep at a farm near his home, and police reports suggest the encounters may have gone on for nearly a year.
...according to police, the camera captured and filmed a person identified as Roger Henderson II.
The man grabbed a sheep by its hind legs and dragged it to the corner of the stall, according to police. The man removed his clothes and appeared to have sexual relations with the sheep. After finishing, the man put his pants back on and left the barn with his shirt in his hand, according to the report.
Following his arraignment yesterday, Henderson was released to the custody of his parents, on the condition he stay at least 30 yards away from the farm, and animals in general.
25 July 2007
Oh wait, correction. Meg White had ONE song: In the Cold, Cold Night. It was actually good, although I'm not convinced she can sing.
21 July 2007
18 July 2007
That's what ADubs heard on CBS's morning weather report. The financial district of Manhattan's a pretty small area, so it's suprising to hear something so specific.
If the future of weather reporting becomes more specific, maybe I'll wake to one day hear this forecast: "Overcast grey clouds to follow All Carbon today, scattered showers while in the subway..." :-)
16 July 2007
Liz and I've been friends since our model UN days my sophomore year of college (go ahead, laugh), and we've seen each other through emotional ups and downs over time. These days, Liz lives in Toledo, OH.
I met Ann as a bridesmaid in Liz's wedding two years ago. (Liz has since separated and is in the process of finalizing her divorce.) She's an incredibly talented and creative and is currently a creative director at a marketing firm. She and her boyfriend live in the up and coming North End of Boston. Since I'm not that familiar with Boston, it was fun to explore it with Liz and Ann.
While I was there, I also had a chance to catch up with Jen, a friend from a former life in DC. I was at her wedding in Salem last year, and she's now working for IBM and fully settled into married life. She, husband and dog are in the process of looking for a bigger home.
After brunching with Jen, I met up with Liz and Ann on Newbury Street, where we all scooped up a pair of Marc Jacobs' platform sandals. (Ann has two pairs in different colors.) Mine was a beautiful jewel colored purple, and they're super cute. (Slightly different from the ones pictured here.)
I fell in love with Envi, an environmentally conscientious store that proves green clothing doesn't have to be granola, dreadlocks and birkenstocks. I left with a pair of chili red flip flops by Melissa, an eco-conscious company in Brazil that makes adorable shoes out of recycled rubber. We fawned over the resident dog at Envi, which crawled into our laps for lots of love.
We dined at Orinoco that night, a cosy neighborhood restaurant. We brunched at Toro the next morning before I headed back to NYC.
13 July 2007
12 July 2007
Chopped cardboard, softened with an industrial chemical and flavored with fatty pork and powdered seasoning, is a main ingredient in batches of steamed buns sold in one Beijing neighborhood, state television said.
Baozi are a common snack in China, with an outer skin made from wheat or rice flour and and a filling of sliced pork. Cooked by steaming in immense bamboo baskets, they are similar to but usually much bigger than the dumplings found on dim sum menus familiar to many Americans.
Squares of cardboard picked from the ground are first soaked to a pulp in a plastic basin of caustic soda -- a chemical base commonly used in manufacturing paper and soap -- then chopped into tiny morsels with a cleaver. Fatty pork and powdered seasoning are stirred in.
"Most people can't [tell the difference]. It fools the average person," the maker says. "I don't eat them myself."
11 July 2007
Along with embracing the adjective that combines "gigantic" and "enormous," the dictionary publishers also got into Bollywood, sudoku and speed dating.
There's "crunk," a style of Southern rap music; the abbreviated "DVR," for digital video recorder; and "IED," shorthand for the improvised explosive devices that have become common in the war in Iraq.
If it sounds as though Merriam-Webster is dropping its buttoned-down image with too much talk of "smackdowns" (contests in entertainment wrestling) and "telenovelas" (Latin-American soap operas), consider it also is adding "gray literature" (hard-to-get written material) and "microgreen" (a shoot of a standard salad plant.)
10 July 2007
A Cape Cod man who claimed he was homophobic, racist and a habitual liar to avoid jury duty earned an angry rebuke from a judge on Monday, who referred the case to prosecutors for possible charges.
On a questionnaire that all potential jurors fill out, [Daniel] Ellis wrote that he didn't like homosexuals and blacks. He then echoed those sentiments in an interview with [Judge Gary] Nickerson.
"You say on your form that you're not a fan of homosexuals," Nickerson said.
"That I'm a racist," Ellis interrupted.
"I'm frequently found to be a liar, too. I can't really help it," Ellis added.
"I'm sorry?" Nickerson said.
"I said I'm frequently found to be a liar," Ellis replied.
"So, are you lying to me now?" Nickerson asked.
"Well, I don't know. I might be," was the response.
"I have the distinct impression that you're intentionally trying to avoid jury service," Nickerson said.
"That's true," Ellis answered.
09 July 2007
The 24 is super sweet, affectionate, attentive and funny. He also has the added bonus of being able to read the 29's mind -- a rare and unusual feat for a male if the 29 must say so herself. The 29 suspects he might actually be borderline genius, if he isn't a genius. He has an uncanny knack for remembering facts and often carries the reputation of being an airhead; typical genius traits if the 29 must say so herself. 24 and 29 often note that others seem to have similar impressions of them: random and absentminded. 29, however, could never claim to be anywhere near genius.
Perhaps it might be better to say the 25 is the new 29, as the 24 turns 25 within the week. The 29 is hoping that a four year difference will seem much less than a five year difference, but in reality, a four year difference and a five year difference only differ by a year. Strange how that works. Not that the 29 really feels the age difference considering she and the 24 have been as thick as thieves. That's even after learning that the 24, er 25, hates Journey.
The 24-5 and 29's ability to get along, find the same things funny, and understand each other probably has to do the two of them being at similar maturity levels. The 29 acknowledges that that's a sad realization. Sad indeed.
I would find this information somewhat interesting if I didn't know that it was B's not-so-subtle way of telling me to get a life. (Especially her blatant commentary in the right hand column.)
Nonetheless, I still love you, B (lucky you).
PS. there is nothing wrong with me for loving the New Yorker! :-)
08 July 2007
|You scored as Tyler Durden, You are the infamous Tyler Durden. You're the boss and everyone respects you. So go away now and resite the infamous rules of fight club somewhere new.|
What Fight Club Character are You?
created with QuizFarm.com
06 July 2007
Dear Co-Workers and Managers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."
For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.
I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj H: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.
Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.
Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "meets expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks T----!
And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.
But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To Philip C, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe C were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.
To Brenda A whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.
To Sylvia K, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )
To Bob M (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can't believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.
Don M (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company's rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.
To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it's a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us "faceless little people" more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.
So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient ("because it's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.
To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don't bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.