Ruts

Break out of your relationship ruts

A conflict rut
How to recognize it: You argue about the same things all the time and find yourself avoiding entire subjects because they trigger fights.

How to bust out of it: Take a vacation from the conflict at hand. "Tell your partner that the way you fight isn't working and you both need to take time off from talking about the issue," says psychologist Howard Markman. Put it aside for a few days and force yourselves as a couple to do things that you both love. (It's hard, but try.)

Meanwhile, think about what's really bothering you: If you fight about chores or tardiness, consider whether a desire for respect or control is at the crux of it.

After the break, set a time to talk about the issue, but don't try to resolve it. Take turns talking and listening to each other's points of view to understand what's at the root of the problem for each of you. "About 70 percent of small conflicts -- about money, household tasks, in-laws -- don't need to be resolved," says Markman. "Both people just want to be heard, and they need to stop fighting destructively for that to happen."Real Simple: How to disagree agreeably

A romantic rut
How to recognize it: Date night? What's that? That thing you replaced with "Your turn to bathe the kids" night or "I'm working late again" night.

How to bust out of it: You know how to schedule, so don't forget to make an appointment with your partner. Pick nights or weekends you both agree on, and take turns planning outings.
Simply tell the other person what clothes to have ready. (And have fun with it. Going skiing? Have him throw in his swimsuit and goggles to keep him on his toes.)

It doesn't have to be a grand plan: Start a book club -- with just the two of you as members. Or have a romantic candlelit dinner with pizza, beer, and ice cream instead of fancy food.

What shouldn't you do? Hound him about how unromantic he is. It will probably backfire. If you're feeling underromanced, set an example by doing the things for him that you wish he would do for you, like buying him flowers, advises psychologist Steve Brody: "If you wish he would kiss you passionately when he walks in the door, go up and plant one on him -- he'll respond!" Real Simple: How to make yourself unforgettable

The can't-close-the-deal rut
You're ready to take your relationship to the next level -- to move in together, get married, or have a baby -- but your partner won't make that commitment. You love each other, but should you just end it? Psychologist Howard Markman, who runs relationship workshops (www.loveyourrelationship.com), offers four steps to help you decide.

1. Ask yourself if your relationship is healthy. Do you handle conflict well? Do you have fun together? Is your relationship sensually or sexually satisfying? Are you both faithful and dedicated to it? "If all those components are in place, you're ready to move forward," Markman says. If not, try counseling or a relationship class.

2. Make your views clear. If your partnership checks out OK, talk about what you'd like to see happen next. Then ask your partner to do the same. Hear each other out, then try to talk through any underlying issues. For instance, maybe he's not ready to have a baby because he wants to gain more financial stability first.

3. If you don't reach a resolution in step 2, agree to disagree. But make a plan to revisit the conversation at a later date. The person who is holding the relationship back might end up with more power, which can be a destabilizing force, Markman says. That's why it's best to try to talk through what the underlying issues are in step 2.

4. Decide when time is up. If your relationship is healthy, it's fair to give it another three to six months. At that point, express again how you're feeling and what you want.
The relationship could automatically move forward (break open the Champagne!); you might develop a plan of action for how to take the next step (which at least calls for a toast); or one person may make it clear that his feet are firmly planted (cork it). In that case, only you can decide whether it's best to stick with the person or part ways.

If you do the latter, says Markman, "end it as cleanly, openly, and honestly as you can and move forward with your life."