Chuck Norris Solves the Credit Crunch

EVERYONE knows that Chuck Norris is invincible and omniscient, but did you know that Chuck Norris can also solve the credit crunch?

Mark Gilbert's column in Bloomberg made me chuckle a bit:

Chuck Norris's Tears Might Solve Credit Crunch: Mark Gilbert
By Mark Gilbert

Sept. 27 (Bloomberg) -- A famous series of jokes uses the actor Chuck Norris, martial artist and star of ``Walker, Texas Ranger,'' as a paragon of masculinity and omnipotence. ``Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people,'' goes one. ``Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris,'' goes another.

Similar thinking can be applied to the current state of financial markets. Here, then, is the world of money recast in Chuck Norris terms.

Chuck Norris doesn't target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks it until it begs for mercy.

The Chuck Norris dollar buys 3 Canadian dollars, and trades at parity with the euro.

Chuck Norris doesn't supply collateral, only collateral damage.

The tears of Chuck Norris would supply enough liquidity to solve the credit crisis. Too bad he never cries.

When the yield on a Chuck Norris bond goes up, the price also rises.

Chuck Norris trades on fear and greed simultaneously.

Alan Greenspan calls Chuck Norris ``The Maestro.''

Chuck Norris has already banked his dividend payment from Northern Rock Plc.

Chuck Norris funds at Libor flat.

Chuck Norris Asset Management made 50 percent on its subprime mortgage-backed bond fund last month.

Chuck Norris doesn't borrow at the Fed's discount window. Chuck Norris LENDS at the Fed's discount window.

Chuck Norris's curves never invert.

Net income at Goldman Sachs Group Inc. rose 79 percent in the third quarter; profit at Chuck Norris Securities Inc. climbed 80 percent.

There is no market regulator. Just a list of securities Chuck Norris allows to be traded.

Chuck's iPhone never needs recharging.

Chuck Norris doesn't buy gold to hedge against inflation. Gold buys Chuck Norris to hedge against inflation.

Chuck Norris charges the Bank of England a penalty rate for borrowing. And guarantees its deposits.

Chuck Norris is the pilot Ben Bernanke calls when he wants to shower the economy with dollar bills. Sometimes, Chuck refuses to fly.

Chuck Norris gets ALL of his funding from the asset-backed commercial paper market.

Chuck Norris doesn't mark-to-market. The market marks to Chuck Norris.

When the U.S. economy sneezes, the world catches a cold. When Chuck Norris sneezes, the U.S. economy catches pneumonia.

When Chuck Norris makes you a price, it isn't an offer; it's an obligation to buy.

Chuck Norris isn't a market maker; he IS the market.

Chuck Norris can still get a 125 percent mortgage on a $2 million condo without providing proof of earnings.

Chuck Norris subprime collateralized debt obligations still trade at 100 percent of face value.

Chuck completed Halo 3 on his Microsoft Corp. Xbox 360 on the day before the computer game went on sale.

Chuck Norris has a trade surplus with China.

To contact the writer of this column: Mark Gilbert in London at magilbert@bloomberg.net
Last Updated: September 26, 2007 19:35 EDT