in hong kong...

I haven't been here since 2004, and it's different now. It could be because my parents now live all the way out in Tuen Mun now, but I also think that the government has developed the heck out of the islands since I last lived here in 2000. Plus, the SARS scare has made Hong Kong so germaphobic that all public areas are disinfected several times a day. The impeccably clean public bathrooms, elevators and wet markets are a far cry from the Hong Kong I knew growing up.

I flew EVA from SFO to Taipei to HK. I haven't flown a non-American airline in so long that I was completely blown away by the amazing service on EVA. There's more legroom in the economy seats, and each passenger gets a blanket, pillow, slipper and headphones. I didn't even KNOW airlines still give out slippers, blankets and pillows! Wow, remind me to fly EVA more often.

It was a LOOOONG flight, but I made it. I've been here for 1.5 days, and the drama has already begun.

We had to take my step mother to the emergency room today. She woke up with a terrible case of vertigo and couldn't move without the dry heaves. The hospital couldn't find anything wrong with her and just gave her some medication that I assume you take whenever you get seasick. She's sleeping it off now. I feel so bad for her. My dad says this happens to her about once a year, but they don't quite know why.

While it's good to see my family, my dad stresses me out. My relationship with him is always really good from a distance when all we do is chat briefly over the phone or exchange emails. I forget what it's like to be around him all the time. When it comes to me, he's always been hypercritical, and since I've been home (it's only been 1.5 days, but it feels like years), it has felt like I can't do anything right. I've received numerous lectures about how my life is destined to be unlucky, which is why things have turned out the way they have so far, and there's nothing I can do about it. On the flip side, I've also been harangued non-stop about my ability to control my destiny on fun topics such as: I'm a failure at everything I do, I'm too materialistic (not sure where that one comes from, since I don't want to own or buy anything), I lack ambition (because I don't want to own or be responsible for anything), I don't work hard enough, I've made terrible life choices (this should cancel out the unlucky destiny lecture, right?), I'm way past my prime and need to marry asap.

Thanks to my brother's fiance who told my parents that the last two times my good friend P went to NYC it was to see he if had a shot at dating me despite the fact that I barely saw him both times (wtf?!?), I also received a long lecture from both dad and step mom about how I should have married P when I had a chance. In typical Chinese fashion, it's more important for my family to see me married than to see me happily married, as both parents disregard the fact that I'm not attracted to P, I don't want to marry P, and more importantly, P and I as a couple would be a complete disaster.

As much as I love my family (and I really do), I'm suddenly reminded of why I prefer to keep an ocean between them and me and haven't visited since 2004. My step mother is usually around to act as a buffer when my dad gets too insufferable, but without her, being around my dad makes me want to run for the hills. If it weren't for the fact that I've had 15 years to become comfortable in my own skin, my dad's Debbie Downer influence could make even a saint an insecure emotional wreck.

Ah well, old Chinese people are what they are, so this is the way things will always be with my dad. While waiting in the ER, I asked my dad why he always seems so dissatisfied with me. After all, I've never killed anyone or committed a crime. I pay my taxes. Heck, I even pay my parking tickets. His response was that I wouldn't have made it as far in life if he hadn't been so critical. I think he believes that he's responsible for who I've become.

Strangely, he might be right, because so much of me is a reaction to seeing my family as they are and thinking to myself that I don't want to be like that. Which is why I am who I am from the tip of my stubborn, drama-abhorring, twinkie head through my "I-don't-want-to-own-things-just-to-own-things" core on down to my "commitment-shunning-I'll-marry-and/or-have-children-if-and-when-I'm-good-and-ready-even-if-that-means-I-never-marry" toes. The irony is that my father thinks his hypercriticism will make me more of the obedient deferential daughter he wishes he has, but instead, it has made me the daughter he believes is inadequate.

Despite my dad's dysfunctional and crazy behavior (what those of us who have parents like this might also describe as typical Chinese parenting), I realize that it comes from a place of concern and care, so I try to just roll with it. I'm a little tired from all the emotional browbeating, and I wonder if this is the way it'll be for the entire five weeks I'm going to be here. I better settle in for a long ride...