This reminds me of B

As B and I are coming upon our three year anniversary, I'm reminded of this forward I got a while back. B reminds me of Martha.

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Come on, you know you wanna watch this

Because I do.



(Thanks to 25 for the find.)

Slideluck Potshow in NYC on Nov 17

http://www.slideluckpotshow.com/

Last year's slideshows: http://www.slideluckpotshow.com/index2.php?PageName=slpsix_contributors

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/27/arts/design/27slid.html?ex=1333512000&en=2baf093843cf2240&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

Only in Japan

would this be an actual game show.

Up next, the Wii version.

Proud to be an US American

from South Carolina, nonetheless. Yippee kayay.

From the Miss Teen USA competition:

Near the end of the competition, one of the judges asked Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina, what she thought of a recent poll that showed one fifth of Americans can’t locate the United States on a world map. Upton’s answer, a spew of half-English gibberish, is a must-see case study in stupidity, confusion, and panic. (And yet Upton finished the event as the third runner-up.)
--from http://www.veryshortlist.com/lists/

Revenge of the Bookeaters

Cool show to benefit a good cause: Revenge of the Bookeaters Benefit Concert

A benefit for Dave Eggers' tutoring program-cum-superhero haberdashery 826NYC, this musical celebration of all things literary featured such smarty pants as Feist, My Morning Jacket's Jim James, Grizzly Bear, Spoon's Britt Daniel, the New Pornographers' A.C. Newman, and Broken Social Scene's Kevin Drew.

I have a mancrush on Jim James. (Yes, a man crush.) Oh, and Feist was there.

uh no, this isn't bizarre at all...

not. at. all.

http://gawker.com/news/cats-and-dogs/the-wonders-of-the-animal-kingdom-292326.php?autoplay=true

What Went Wrong

is my fave song of the year, and it's by the Slackers, one of coolest bands around. :-) I've been listening to this song non-stop.

Glen Pine, the lead vocalist in this song, has an amazingly sexy voice. His cover of Sam Cooke's Cupid is effing amazing. The guy on the keyboard is Vic Ruggiero, one just an all-around brilliant wordsmith and musician.

If you've never seen these guys live, they put on such a good live show (for those of you that missed the booze cruise last weekend): http://www.fabchannel.com/user/allcarbon/playlist

Or, just check out this random slideshow homage to the Slackers I found on YouTube:

inappropriate yoga guy

"Do you come here often?"

Plenty of singles don’t mind having another yogi propose dinner. Elana Wertkin, 31 of Park Slope, Brooklyn, went a few dates with a cute guy she met in a neighborhood class.

“We walked out at the same time and he said ‘Let’s go for a smoothie,’ ” said Ms. Wertkin, a documentary film producer.

But her interest in him was soon cut short. On their third date, he confessed that part of the reason he loved yoga class was watching women lie on their backs, legs spread.

what's your sleep number?

Article The Myth, the Math, the Sex by GINA KOLATA:

August 12, 2007

One survey, recently reported by the federal government, concluded that men had a median of seven female sex partners. Women had a median of four male sex partners. Another study, by British researchers, stated that men had 12.7 heterosexual partners in their lifetimes and women had 6.5.

But there is just one problem, mathematicians say. It is logically impossible for heterosexual men to have more partners on average than heterosexual women. Those survey results cannot be correct.

“Some might be imaginary,” Dr. Graham said. “Maybe two are in the man’s mind and one really exists.”

oh my gawd, was i not supposed to do that???

B flew back from Florida yesterday, and this is what she had to report:

so yesterday, i was in line at the security thingy at the airport and the woman at the xray machine kinda looked funny for a minute and she looked at me, and i looked, and i had all my stuff... so she looked at the woman behind me and i watched, b/c she looked so weirded out. so she called a man over and she goes - she put her cat in the xray machine and the woman with the cat (in a very thick southern accent) goes, oh my gawd, was i not supposed to do that??? and i looked, and sure enough, there was a kitty that just went through the xray machine. the man was like, well, ma'am, it's an xray machine...

from my home town in S.C.

Of course this would be the only piece of news from my home town in South Carolina to hit the CNN homepage.

Chocolate Rain

Tay Zonday


Spoofed by John Mayer


Spoofed by Tre Cool


Spoofed by McGruff the Crime Dog

ewe

Baaaaaaah.

A Sherborn teen was charged yesterday with having sex with sheep at a farm near his home, and police reports suggest the encounters may have gone on for nearly a year.

...according to police, the camera captured and filmed a person identified as Roger Henderson II.

The man grabbed a sheep by its hind legs and dragged it to the corner of the stall, according to police. The man removed his clothes and appeared to have sexual relations with the sheep. After finishing, the man put his pants back on and left the barn with his shirt in his hand, according to the report.

Following his arraignment yesterday, Henderson was released to the custody of his parents, on the condition he stay at least 30 yards away from the farm, and animals in general.

White Stripes at MSG

Saw the White Stripes last night. I like them as much as the next guy but wouldn't really call myself a fan. For two people -- a guy on a guitar and a woman with big boobs that can barely play the drums -- they sure have stage presence and put on a fun show.

Oh wait, correction. Meg White had ONE song: In the Cold, Cold Night. It was actually good, although I'm not convinced she can sing.

He said what?

I can't decide if I should keep running or not. On one hand, I received two marriage proposals after my run this morning, but on the other hand, I seem to attract the wrong sorts of men.

After the Run for Central Park four-miler this morning, I took my time leaving the Park.  On my way out, a homeless man sitting on a park bench told me I looked beautiful.  He asked if I'd marry him.

I took the train down to W 4th, and on my way back to my apartment, three homeless men were sitting on a stoop.  One of the was white, and the other two were black.  The white one tells me I'm beautiful and wants to know if I'd marry him.  It was my second marriage proposal of the day, so I had already had practice turning them down. As I walk by, I tell him that everyone wants to marry me, but that I have no interest in getting married.

Behind me, I heard the other two guys chortle, and one of them says to my rejected suitor, "It's because she don't want to marry no white guy."

Heavy rain over the financial district

"Heavy rain over financial district and lower east side. Torrential rain in New Jersey."

That's what ADubs heard on CBS's morning weather report. The financial district of Manhattan's a pretty small area, so it's suprising to hear something so specific.

If the future of weather reporting becomes more specific, maybe I'll wake to one day hear this forecast: "Overcast grey clouds to follow All Carbon today, scattered showers while in the subway..." :-)

I already hate One Jackson Square

and the people that live there, and I don't even know anything about it.

I love my neighborhood. I love my street.

There's a new development going up on my block, and...well, there goes the neighborhood.

Now, the place will be filled with yuppies and trustafarians that have to make make everything shiny, new and ultra-modern.

Booo!

Visiting Liz and Ann in Boston

I was in Boston last weekend visiting Liz and Ann. It's been a while since we've seen each other, so we convened in Ann's home town for a weekend.

Liz and I've been friends since our model UN days my sophomore year of college (go ahead, laugh), and we've seen each other through emotional ups and downs over time. These days, Liz lives in Toledo, OH.

I met Ann as a bridesmaid in Liz's wedding two years ago. (Liz has since separated and is in the process of finalizing her divorce.) She's an incredibly talented and creative and is currently a creative director at a marketing firm. She and her boyfriend live in the up and coming North End of Boston. Since I'm not that familiar with Boston, it was fun to explore it with Liz and Ann.

While I was there, I also had a chance to catch up with Jen, a friend from a former life in DC. I was at her wedding in Salem last year, and she's now working for IBM and fully settled into married life. She, husband and dog are in the process of looking for a bigger home.

After brunching with Jen, I met up with Liz and Ann on Newbury Street, where we all scooped up a pair of Marc Jacobs' platform sandals. (Ann has two pairs in different colors.) Mine was a beautiful jewel colored purple, and they're super cute. (Slightly different from the ones pictured here.)

I fell in love with Envi, an environmentally conscientious store that proves green clothing doesn't have to be granola, dreadlocks and birkenstocks. I left with a pair of chili red flip flops by Melissa, an eco-conscious company in Brazil that makes adorable shoes out of recycled rubber. We fawned over the resident dog at Envi, which crawled into our laps for lots of love.

We dined at Orinoco that night, a cosy neighborhood restaurant. We brunched at Toro the next morning before I headed back to NYC.

Boston

I liked the residential feel of the North End, and there's really nothing better than seeing friends.

Frost Nixon

RB and I saw Frost Nixon last night. Wow, it was even better than I expected. For raw footage of the actual interviews, go to David Frost's website: http://www.frostnixon.com/

Soilent green

Eew. This story only reinforces my general dislike for China (modern China, not Chinese people or its history).

Chopped cardboard, softened with an industrial chemical and flavored with fatty pork and powdered seasoning, is a main ingredient in batches of steamed buns sold in one Beijing neighborhood, state television said.

Baozi are a common snack in China, with an outer skin made from wheat or rice flour and and a filling of sliced pork. Cooked by steaming in immense bamboo baskets, they are similar to but usually much bigger than the dumplings found on dim sum menus familiar to many Americans.

Squares of cardboard picked from the ground are first soaked to a pulp in a plastic basin of caustic soda -- a chemical base commonly used in manufacturing paper and soap -- then chopped into tiny morsels with a cleaver. Fatty pork and powdered seasoning are stirred in.

"Most people can't [tell the difference]. It fools the average person," the maker says. "I don't eat them myself."

This is how B found the dog sleeping on the couch this morning

She isn't allowed on the couch. As you can see, she is not on the couch.

It's a real word!

Ginormous!

Along with embracing the adjective that combines "gigantic" and "enormous," the dictionary publishers also got into Bollywood, sudoku and speed dating.

There's "crunk," a style of Southern rap music; the abbreviated "DVR," for digital video recorder; and "IED," shorthand for the improvised explosive devices that have become common in the war in Iraq.

If it sounds as though Merriam-Webster is dropping its buttoned-down image with too much talk of "smackdowns" (contests in entertainment wrestling) and "telenovelas" (Latin-American soap operas), consider it also is adding "gray literature" (hard-to-get written material) and "microgreen" (a shoot of a standard salad plant.)

Well, at least he's honest

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/law/07/10/reluctant.juror.ap/index.html

A Cape Cod man who claimed he was homophobic, racist and a habitual liar to avoid jury duty earned an angry rebuke from a judge on Monday, who referred the case to prosecutors for possible charges.

On a questionnaire that all potential jurors fill out, [Daniel] Ellis wrote that he didn't like homosexuals and blacks. He then echoed those sentiments in an interview with [Judge Gary] Nickerson.

"You say on your form that you're not a fan of homosexuals," Nickerson said.

"That I'm a racist," Ellis interrupted.

"I'm frequently found to be a liar, too. I can't really help it," Ellis added.

"I'm sorry?" Nickerson said.

"I said I'm frequently found to be a liar," Ellis replied.

"So, are you lying to me now?" Nickerson asked.

"Well, I don't know. I might be," was the response.

"I have the distinct impression that you're intentionally trying to avoid jury service," Nickerson said.

"That's true," Ellis answered.

Toilet humor

Officials in the southwestern Chinese city [Chongqing] plan to ask Guinness World Records to have the free four-story public bathroom listed as the world's largest, state-run China Central Television reported Friday.

Some urinals are uniquely shaped, including ones inside open crocodile mouths and several topped by the bust of a woman resembling the Virgin Mary.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/07/06/largest.loo.ap/index.html

Is 24 the new 29?

It might very well just be.

The 24 is super sweet, affectionate, attentive and funny. He also has the added bonus of being able to read the 29's mind -- a rare and unusual feat for a male if the 29 must say so herself. The 29 suspects he might actually be borderline genius, if he isn't a genius. He has an uncanny knack for remembering facts and often carries the reputation of being an airhead; typical genius traits if the 29 must say so herself. 24 and 29 often note that others seem to have similar impressions of them: random and absentminded. 29, however, could never claim to be anywhere near genius.

Perhaps it might be better to say the 25 is the new 29, as the 24 turns 25 within the week. The 29 is hoping that a four year difference will seem much less than a five year difference, but in reality, a four year difference and a five year difference only differ by a year. Strange how that works. Not that the 29 really feels the age difference considering she and the 24 have been as thick as thieves. That's even after learning that the 24, er 25, hates Journey.

The 24-5 and 29's ability to get along, find the same things funny, and understand each other probably has to do the two of them being at similar maturity levels. The 29 acknowledges that that's a sad realization. Sad indeed.

B thinks I'm an old woman

Because I read the New Yorker and The Economist, B sent me the attached statistics showing the target advertising demographic for people who read the New Yorker.

I would find this information somewhat interesting if I didn't know that it was B's not-so-subtle way of telling me to get a life. (Especially her blatant commentary in the right hand column.)

Nonetheless, I still love you, B (lucky you).

PS. there is nothing wrong with me for loving the New Yorker! :-)

I think I'm more like Jack, not Tyler

Anyhoo, what the eff is up with all these quizzes. KG, don't think I forgot about yours; I haven't.

You scored as Tyler Durden, You are the infamous Tyler Durden. You're the boss and everyone respects you. So go away now and resite the infamous rules of fight club somewhere new. Tyler Durden 75% Big Bob 60% Marla Singer 45% Jack 45% A Space Monkey 35% The Mechanic 25% What Fight Club Character are You? created with QuizFarm.com

can you imagine working at a place like this?

Pookie used to work at this company, and this was emailed to him by an former coworker. Pookie says the sentiments are a pretty accurate portrayal of what it's like to work there.

Subject Farewell

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj H: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "meets expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks T----!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Philip C, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe C were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda A whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To Sylvia K, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )

To Bob M (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can't believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

Don M (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company's rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it's a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us "faceless little people" more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient ("because it's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don't bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

One!